ritsu_ai

Bombs and symphonies.

Mon, 26 Nov 2007 16:00:31 GMT

I'm doing a project about the bombing of Hiroshima. It's stirring up a lot of mixed emotions, and a lot of anger I didn't really know I had.

The attack was so unnecessary. So many died...civilians. It was a terrible, vicious, savage cheap shot against Japan...I find it difficult to write an unbiased report on it when I see pictures of women with the texture of their clothes burned into their skin...and the ruins of a proud city, having been reduced to rubble and ashes by an incomprehensibly monstrous atrocity.

http://www.cfo.doe.gov/me70/manhattan/hiroshima.htm

Colonel Paul Tibbets, the navy dog who dropped the tonne-heavy uranium bomb, died on the first of November this year. I hate that. I wanted to spit in that filthy American's face (keeping in mind I have nothing against Americans, I just think that their military endeavours are brutal and careless).

....-Sigh- In other news...

This weekend was hectic...I don't ever want to black out again. Or see Michelle with a knife to her throat as I snap out of my twisted state to see a razor pressed so firmly into my wrist that it nearly cut from the pressure alone. Or get so angrily frustrated with Rensa that I snap inside and it causes a blackout...at least those things are solved now.

Dangerous things happen when I can't cope with my frustration, I guess....Michelle is right, I need help. I always thought I came out of my younger years pretty well, without much scarring or carried pain. But it has became unmistakably, painfully clear that I'm carrying baggage from mother and Sakuya and that idiot Jeff, among things. To the point where I've supressed myself into a completely different side of me that I don't ever want to let go. So from now on the chain around my neck has become symbolism for keeping my stability intact.

And yet somehow, Michelle has quickly discovered ways to snap me out of it, so that I'm less of a danger. Which I'm grateful for...very grateful.

Rensa and I are working on better ways to communicate with each other so that we don't upset the other person. I guess we don't need counselling (which he wouldn't have gone too, Rensa, you goof, you can be so stubborn!). It's actually weird, when I erase my mind and focus on the task at hand I can be very helpful. I wish those moments weren't so few and far between. Maybe I could have gotten a passing mark in Civ.

Oh well, no regrets. The important thing is I'm buckled down now.

I'm very thankful for Michelle and her ability to straighten me out and get me back on track. She manages to be assertive in a calm and collected way that is tuned to how I feel. She has yet to slander me.

And Valen, thank you for giving me hope even when I know you were feeling down. I appreciate you letting me know you're here for me. It's comforting to have your companionship...^__^

Syd, I don't think I have to say the words for you to know that I've always liked having you around, and you always manage to drop what you're doing and talk to me when I need it at school. Thank you.

Rensa, thanks for keeping an open mind even though I've been listless and difficult to deal with over the past however long it's been since I got something stuck up my butt attitude wise.

I guess I'm just a big emo kid after all. X_X;;

...Damnit. X____X;;;

Thu, 22 Nov 2007 15:58:56 GMT

I'm going to rip out Mina's throat.

Then Kizu's.

....That someone like her could spill such inherently venomous content is beyond my comprehension just now.

And to someone I care about, even.

Weird that they always end up being being "Soubi". Even Michelle plays a Soubi and it's always people like that, that I end up really getting vicious in standing up for.

Jii-san has been caught after choking me roughly. I'm hoping this time he is punished severely.

Phew, not much longer until lunch, I'm starving. The one living with me now has been good to me; getting me up for school in the morning and making me real breakfasts...last night I had a nice homecooked meal for the first time in years, and Michelle knows I basically revelled in the moment, even though my stomach and esophagus are too unsettled to handle much food after the bleach incident. Which, might I add, was almost as foolish as that thing you did, Kizu. I'm ashamed I even attempted what I did, and I'm paying for it with a sever burning sensation, lack of tastebuds and nauseated stomach.

In any case, I have to get my stuff ready to leave now, I'll probably post during my spare as I have to wait for Kami after school to go to his house and have a....important TALK with Mina. Valen, if you and Michelle aren't there I fear I might..."blackout". I'm counting on you two to hold me back from ripping her to shreds. Hopefully it works.

If not, well....nice knowing her, to a point.

Ja~

Mon, 19 Nov 2007 19:16:09 GMT

Today I saw him, and we fought. Today words were exchanged that I never want to hear again. I tried to fight to protect you because I don't believe him, I don't believe the silver words winding from his snakey tongue about love, or regret, or sadness......

But he hit me, he hit me hard in the cheek, and as he recoiled I saw something inside of him I haven't seen in a long time.

Tears. I haven't seen him cry in over a year.

Did something change? Does he feel again?

Is he......is he in there somewhere? The person I once knew?

Kizu...what's happened to you?...

What made you the way you were when you said such awful things about us all?...

Did you really mean it when you said you pushed us away to protect us?........

......What am I to believe, Brother, when so much has happened....

.......I won't hand Valen back over to you.....I need to know, I need to know that you're being honest.......even then......

...........-Put his head in his hands-

Thu, 08 Nov 2007 19:02:02 GMT

Flight postponed, computer hacked. Can't talk long but everything's fine, my eye did bruise X_X

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 20:02:48 GMT

There was an accident outside, I'm ok now but I need to go home early. Which probably means I'm going to fail law, but...it's only a half-course, so I can make it up in summer school or credit recovery courses.

I wont have any access to a computer or anything tonight, I'm packing because my flight is tomorrow; Thursday afternoon your time, early morning/late night Friday for me. It's a thirteen hour flight, and I don't really like flying much because when it ascends and descends my ears pop and sometimes I get queasy.

I have to go now, I'm in a lot of pain. Please take care, Soubi.

And Larx, I'm not mad at all. You get worried sometimes; it makes me smile. But honestly, the way I'm quiet is just me being me. Really, don't worry about it.

Wish me luck, I'm hoping my face isn't bruised.

Wed, 07 Nov 2007 17:31:46 GMT

Today I take a step towards righting my wrongs. Today is a day I will not falter. I will do what I must to move closer to being the person I want to be and moving farther away from becoming the person I despise.

I will abandon the parts of me that are not beneficial.

I will embrace the things in my life that I want around me always.

Suki dayo.

Nightmarish Slowdance

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 19:52:21 GMT

Don't disappear. You're everything I have.

You're the only thing I have.

I don't want to forget.

Please don't let me forget.

Tue, 06 Nov 2007 14:46:39 GMT

On this day my heart is heavy and full of guilt. I don't know what to make of everything that has happened except to say that no one is to blame but myself. I have done all but torn off my fragile butterfly's wings, left to writhe in agony, alone on the barren, lifeless ground.

How long can I hold a mask to my face and go through these empty days with nothing but a short series of phone calls from a sinful voice to keep me afloat on this river of black ink? It doesn't matter if my head stays above the water, it doesn't matter if I drown. I have already been stained.

Maybe I will let go and let the current take me. Maybe I will shut down and become cold and mechanical like the rest of the swine around me.

Because I am the dirtiest, filthiest creature of all.

I would never ask you to forgive me. That would be arrogant.

To ask you to stay around is even more self-absorbed a request.

...But I don't think I want to try swimming to the shore unless I see you standing there.

I want to fix you, but I'm torn inside. I'll keep destroying everything around me until I'm fixed, and I can't fix myself any more. I can't do it alone any more.

I just want to die...

Fri, 19 Oct 2007 16:12:14 GMT

See, now there's no confusion. Kizu has HIS journal and I have mine. ^_^

Suki dayo, Mina +Skyy +Rensa!